AITAH for Leaving My Boyfriend Because I’m Not His Mom or Chef?
Background: Our Relationship
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend, “Jake” (28M), for almost two years. We moved in together about eight months ago because it felt like the natural next step. At first, I was excited. We’d been so happy during the dating phase, and I thought living together would make us even closer.
However, one of the first things I noticed after moving in was how little Jake does for himself regarding food.
When we were dating, he’d often suggest takeout or restaurants. Sometimes I’d cook, and he’d gush about how amazing it was, but it wasn’t every day. Once we moved in, it became painfully apparent that he doesn’t cook — not at all.
The Cooking Dynamic
I actually enjoy cooking. I find it relaxing, and I like experimenting with recipes. But there’s a difference between wanting to cook and being expected to cook every meal for two people.
Within a few weeks of living together, Jake had stopped entirely, even pretending he could handle food. He doesn’t grocery shop unless I write a list and beg him to go. He doesn’t clean up unless I remind him. He doesn’t make basic things like pasta or eggs — he waits for me to cook or suggests ordering out.
He decided, “Great, now I have a live-in chef.”
Why It Bothered Me
At first, I brushed it off. He just needed time to adjust. But it started wearing me down when I realized he expects me to take care of the food.
There were days I’d come home after a long shift, exhausted, and he’d be sitting on the couch, stomach growling, waiting for me to cook. If I said I was too tired, he’d pout or say, “So… what are we eating then?”
When I suggested he cook, he laughed and said, “You know I can’t cook.”
Except — he can. I’ve seen him make instant ramen, scrambled eggs, and sandwiches. He’s not helpless. He doesn’t want to.
The Breaking Point
Last week was the final straw. I had a brutal day at work and texted him around 6 pm: “I’m wiped. Can you handle dinner tonight?”
He replied: “LOL, you know I can’t cook. Just grab something on the way home.”
When I got home, he was sprawled on the couch playing video games. No food, no effort, nothing. He didn’t even bother making toast.
I snapped. I told him I was sick of feeling like his personal chef and maid. He shrugged and said, “You’re better at it. Why would I do something you’re better at?”
That line broke me.
The Breakup
I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Jake, I can’t do this anymore. I’m breaking up with you.”
He thought I was bluffing at first. He laughed and said, “Over cooking? That’s ridiculous.”
But I was dead serious. I told him, “This isn’t just about cooking. It’s about you refusing to take responsibility for yourself. I don’t want to spend my life with someone who won’t even try.”
He froze, then got angry. He said I was “throwing away a good relationship over food” and that I was being dramatic. I told him no, I was throwing it away because I refuse to be someone’s unpaid caretaker.
His Reaction
Jake tried to spin it as me being “anti-domestic.” He said most women would love a man who lets them take the lead in the kitchen. I told him that’s sexist and outdated — I’m not trying to live in the 1950s.
He begged me to reconsider, saying we could “figure something out.” But when I asked what “something” meant, he couldn’t give me a straight answer. He wouldn’t commit to actually cooking or shopping.
So I packed a bag and went to stay with a friend.
The Fallout
Since then, Jake has been blowing up my phone with messages like:
- “You’re seriously ending us over cooking??”
- “This is the dumbest breakup ever.”
- “You’re going to regret this.”
Even his mom texted me saying I should “be patient with men because they’re not good at domestic stuff.” That made me even angrier — it’s not about gender, it’s about being an adult.
Why I Don’t Think I’m Wrong
Here’s why I feel justified:
- It’s not about cooking. It’s about effort and independence. I don’t want a partner who acts like a child.
- Respect matters. When I said I was tired, he didn’t care. He just wanted me to take care of him.
- Long-term vision. If he won’t cook now, what happens when we have kids? When life gets harder? I refuse to marry someone who won’t pull their weight.
Why I Still Feel Guilty
But part of me feels guilty for how blunt I was. Maybe I should’ve eased into it instead of blurting, “I’m breaking up with you.”
I wonder if I should’ve given him an ultimatum instead of ending it on the spot. But I also feel like I’d been giving him chances for months, and nothing changed.
What Friends Have Said
Half my friends say, “Good for you. He’s lazy and you deserve better.”
The other half says, “You could’ve taught him. Not everyone grows up learning how to cook.”
But I don’t think it’s about teaching. It’s about willingness. He doesn’t even want to try.
The Bigger Picture
This situation made me realize how much I value independence in a partner. I don’t want someone who relies on me for the basics of adult life.
Cooking isn’t rocket science. It’s survival. If you can’t (or won’t) feed yourself, that’s a red flag.
AITAH?
So, Reddit — AITAH for telling my boyfriend I’m breaking up with him because he refuses to cook for himself? Was I too harsh, or did I dodge a bullet?
Mock Reddit Comment Section
[NTA] (⬆️ 22.1k)
You didn’t break up over cooking. You broke up over laziness and entitlement—big difference.
[NTA] (⬆️ 15.7k)
Girl, you didn’t lose a boyfriend — you dodged becoming a lifelong unpaid housemaid. Good call.
[ESH] (⬆️ 4.3k)
He sucks for being lazy, but you also could’ve set clearer expectations before moving in together. Blindsiding him with a breakup mid-argument wasn’t ideal.
[NTA — Funny Take] (⬆️ 9.8k)
Imagine being 28 years old and your survival plan is “wait until my girlfriend cooks or I starve.” Darwin Awards nominee right here. 😂
[YTA] (⬆️ 3.1k)
Unpopular, but yeah. Not everyone knows how to cook. You could’ve taught him. Breaking up instead of problem-solving feels extreme.
[NTA and relatable] (⬆️ 6.5k)
I left a guy for the same reason. He thought cereal was a meal. Trust me, it doesn’t get better — it only gets worse.
[NAH] (⬆️ 2.9k)
Some people do not know how to cook, and some are raised with the “woman does it all” mindset. You weren’t compatible. That doesn’t make either of you evil.
[NTA — Sarcastic Take] (⬆️ 7.4k)
“Why would I cook when you’re better at it?” My guy, by that logic, you’ll never clean, drive, or hold a job because someone else is always better at it.
