AITA for Turning My Stepdaughter’s Room Into a Playroom After She Moved Out?

Background: Our Family

I (42F) have married my husband, Eric (45M), for nine years. He has a daughter, “Lily” (17F), from his first marriage, and I have a son, “Jack” (15M), from mine. Eric and I also have a daughter, “Maya” (6F).

When Eric and I married, we blended our families as best as possible. Lily stayed with us every other week while Jack lived with us full-time because his father moved abroad. Lily’s room was the smaller of the two upstairs bedrooms, while Jack’s was next door. It was always “her space.” I never tried to change it or redecorate it without her.

Lily was polite but distant. I never blamed her for that — she was old enough to remember her parents’ divorce and probably saw me as an outsider. Over time, though, we settled into a rhythm. Things were fine until a couple of years ago, when everything changed.

The Move

When Lily turned fifteen, she decided to live full-time with her mom, who lives about four hours away in another state. It wasn’t a decision that came out of nowhere — she had been discussing it for months. Eric was heartbroken but didn’t want to force her to stay where she wasn’t happy. They arranged for her to visit during breaks, holidays, and summers.

Once she left, her room sat empty for almost a year. I kept everything the same — same color walls, fairy lights, bedding, posters — because it felt wrong to touch it. If she returned to visit, I wanted her to still feel like it was her space.

But time passed. And eventually, we needed that space.

Why We Changed the Room

Our younger daughter, Maya, started having awful nightmares and would crawl into our bed every night. We tried everything to get her to sleep in her own room, but it got to the point where no one was sleeping well.

After months of this, I suggested we convert Lily’s unused room into a playroom-slash-guest space where Maya could sleep sometimes. It made sense — it was closer to our room and wasn’t being used. Eric hesitated but eventually agreed, saying Lily hadn’t been home in almost two years.

We repainted the walls, took down the fairy lights, and replaced the bed with a small daybed and toy storage. I boxed all Lily’s belongings neatly, labeled them, and put them in the attic. I made sure nothing personal was thrown away.

Eric seemed fine with it at the time. He said it was “weird but practical.”

The Visit

This summer, Lily came to stay for three weeks. The moment she walked in, she ran upstairs and immediately called, “What the hell happened to my room?”

She was furious. She accused me of erasing her, said it felt like we’d “kicked her out of the family,” and that we had no right to change “her space.”

I explained calmly that we hadn’t gotten rid of anything, that her stuff was all stored safely, and that we’d needed to repurpose the room. I told her she could still sleep in there — the daybed was ready for guests, and I’d even put her favorite blanket on it.

But she refused to stay in that room. She said, “It’s not my room anymore. It’s hers now,” meaning Maya. She ended up sleeping on the couch the entire visit.

The Fallout

After Lily left, Eric and I had a huge argument. He told me I should’ve consulted Lily before making changes. I reminded him that she hadn’t lived here for two years and that he had agreed to the change.

He said, “It’s not about the room — it’s about the message it sends. She thinks she’s been replaced.”

I told him that’s ridiculous — she’s 17, practically an adult, and her life is in another state now. Keeping a room as a shrine for a barely visiting child isn’t realistic. He said, “That’s not the point,” and accused me of being too “cold and logical.”

For weeks, things between us have been tense. He’s been distant, and I can tell he’s still angry.

Why I Don’t Think I’m Wrong

Here’s where I’m coming from:

1. Lily hasn’t lived here in two years. We’re not talking about a few months.
2. We didn’t throw her belongings away — everything is boxed, labeled, and preserved.
3. Our house isn’t huge. We have to make space for the family members who live here full-time.
4. The room wasn’t “stolen.” It’s still available for her to use when she visits.

It wasn’t personal — it was practical.

Why I Still Feel Guilty

But I can’t deny that she looked genuinely hurt. I can still picture her standing in that doorway, staring at the new paint and the toys, looking like a guest in what used to be her space.

It broke my heart a little. I realize now that maybe I should’ve told her ahead of time. Maybe we could’ve redecorated together, even just symbolically kept one thing from her old setup — her fairy lights, or her name on the door — something to make it still “hers.”

I didn’t mean to make her feel replaced, but maybe I did.

What Friends Have Said

My best friend says I did nothing wrong. She said, “You didn’t erase her — she moved on. You just adapted.”

Another friend said I should’ve told her beforehand, so she wasn’t blindsided. “She’s still a teenager,” she said. “They take everything personally.”

Even my son Jack said, “Mom, I get why you did it, but if I came back from Dad’s and my room was gone, I’d be mad too.”

The Bigger Picture

I keep thinking about how different “home” feels for kids of divorced parents. For Jack, this is home. For Lily, it’s one of two. Maybe I underestimated how much she needed to feel like this was still hers, even if she wasn’t always here.

I never wanted to take that from her. I just wanted our home to function for everyone.

Now I’m scared she won’t return to visit, and I don’t know how to fix it.

AITA?

So Reddit — AITA for not returning my stepdaughter’s old room to her? Was I being too practical and insensitive, or is it unreasonable to expect us to preserve a space for a child who hasn’t lived here in years?