Background: My Family Situation

I (18F) grew up in a household that looked stable from the outside, but things inside were complicated. My mom passed away when I was 10 after a long illness. Losing her was devastating for me and my younger brother, who was only seven at the time. She was our family’s emotional glue; after she was gone, everything felt fractured.

My dad remarried two years later. At the time, I tried to be supportive. I knew he was lonely, and I didn’t want to be the person who told him not to move forward. But how he went about it and his choices during that period changed how I see remarriage altogether.

What Happened After Mom Passed

In the months after my mom died, my dad shut down emotionally. He wasn’t available for us, and much of the responsibility for caring for my brother fell onto me, even though I was just a kid. While I was grieving, I also felt like I had to grow up overnight.

It felt sudden when he met “Laura” (his new wife). He introduced her to us months after we had been dating. By the time I was 12, she had moved in. My brother and I weren’t ready for that, but my dad brushed off our feelings. He said things like, “Kids are resilient,” and, “You’ll thank me later for having a complete family again.”

I didn’t thank him. I felt like I lost my mom twice — once to death and once because he filled her space so quickly.

Why I Resent His Choices

It wasn’t just the remarriage itself. It was how he prioritized Laura and her kids (she had two from a previous marriage) over us. Suddenly, our traditions with Mom were gone. Holidays changed. Birthdays felt like obligations. Even the house changed, with her style replacing all the traces of Mom.

I felt like Dad wanted to erase Mom so he could start fresh. He never asked us what we thought. He just assumed we’d accept it because he liked it.

This left me with a lasting impression that remarriage after losing a spouse isn’t about love or healing — it’s about replacing someone who can’t be replaced.

The Conversation With My Dad

Recently, this all came up in a big fight. My dad asked me why I seemed so negative whenever the topic of marriage or remarriage came up. I told him honestly, “Your choices made me see remarrying after a partner dies as a bad thing. I can’t see it as anything other than replacing the person you lost.”

He looked shocked and asked me what I meant. I explained that watching him remarry so quickly, ignoring how my brother and I felt, and prioritizing Laura’s family over us, ruined the idea of remarriage for me.

I told him I don’t think I could ever remarry if I lost a partner, because I would never want my kids to feel like they were being replaced the way I felt.

His Reaction

My dad got defensive. He said I was being unfair and judgmental. He told me that adults can move on with their lives and that grief doesn’t have to mean loneliness forever. He said that just because my experience was challenging doesn’t mean remarriage is bad.

He also accused me of disrespecting Laura, who “has done her best” to be a stepmom. He said that hearing me describe his marriage as “replacing Mom” was cruel.

I get why he was upset, but I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I was trying to explain how I feel and why I view things the way I do.

My Brother’s Perspective

My brother (now 15) feels the same way I do. He told me after the fight that he also sees remarriage as something negative because of how Dad handled things. He felt ignored and sidelined when Laura’s kids became a bigger priority.

It made me feel less alone to know he understands, but it also saddened me. It feels like my dad unintentionally damaged both of us.

Why I Feel Conflicted

Here’s where I feel torn. On one hand, I don’t think I should have to lie about how I feel. My dad asked me directly, and I answered honestly. On the other hand, my words clearly hurt him. Maybe I should have softened the truth.

Part of me wonders if I was wrong for framing it as his “choices ruining remarriage” instead of saying, “I struggle with the way things happened.” My wording probably made it sound like I was blaming him entirely.

But the reality is, his choices did shape how I see things. I can’t ignore that.

What My Mom’s Side of the Family Thinks

When I vented to my mom’s sister, she told me I wasn’t wrong. She said my dad moved on too quickly and that expecting kids to adapt so fast was unfair. She thinks he should’ve prioritized us before starting a new family.

Other relatives, though, told me I shouldn’t have said anything. They think I should’ve kept quiet because remarriage is a sensitive subject, and my dad has the right to be happy.

So now I’m left wondering — was I being cruel, or just honest?

Why I Don’t Think I’m Wrong

The reason I don’t feel like an asshole is because:

1. My dad asked me directly. I didn’t bring this up out of nowhere. He opened the door to the conversation.
2. I shared my feelings, not an attack. I wasn’t telling him remarriage is evil; I was telling him his actions made me associate it with pain.
3. Kids’ perspectives matter. Just because he was the parent doesn’t mean my brother and I didn’t deserve to be heard during that time.
4. It’s not about Laura as a person. I don’t hate her. But her presence symbolized how quickly our mom was “replaced.”

Why I Still Feel Guilty

Even though I stand by what I said, I feel guilty about how much it hurt him. He looked genuinely crushed when I told him that his choices made me see remarriage as something bad.

I don’t want him to think I’m condemning his entire marriage or that I’ll never accept Laura. It’s not that. It’s the way he handled it that left scars on me.

Maybe he could not move on without hurting us, but I wish he had tried harder to consider our feelings.

The Bigger Picture

This situation made me realize how much children absorb from their parents’ choices. Even if my dad thought he was doing the right thing, the way he did it shaped my worldview permanently.

I don’t think remarriage is inherently bad for everyone. I’ve seen people remarry in healthier ways. But for me, it’s tainted. It represents being replaced, sidelined, and forced to adapt before I was ready.

Am I the Asshole?

So here’s my dilemma: am I the asshole for telling my dad that his choices made me see remarriage after a partner dies as a bad thing?

I know I was blunt. I know my words hurt him. But I also know I told the truth about how his actions affected me. Isn’t that what he asked for when he wanted to know my feelings?

I could have softened it. But would that have been honest?

Reflection: What I’ve Learned

Here’s what I’ve taken away from this:

Kids notice everything. Parents think they’re making decisions in a vacuum, but those decisions ripple into their kids’ lives forever.

Remarriage isn’t automatically bad. But if handled poorly, it can feel like erasure instead of healing.Honesty is messy.

Sometimes telling the truth hurts people, even if you don’t mean to.At the end of the day, I can’t undo my perspective.

I can only try to explain it better next time, and I hope my dad understands where I’m coming from one day.

Mock Reddit Comment Section

[NTA] (⬆️ 16.7k)

Your dad asked you why you felt like you did, and you told him. That’s not being cruel — that’s being honest. Kids process grief differently, and his rush to move forward clearly hurt you and your brother. He may not like your perspective, but you didn’t lie.

[NTA] (⬆️ 11.2k)

This is a classic case of parents forgetting that their choices shape their kids’ views of the world. You’re not condemning remarriage for everyone, just explaining why his approach left scars. That’s valid.

[ESH] (⬆️ 3.5k)

Your dad was wrong to push a new family dynamic on you without respecting your grief. But the way you worded it — “your choices made me see remarriage as bad” — was like a knife to the gut. You could have phrased it with less blame and still been truthful.

[NTA — Funny Take] (⬆️ 6.9k)

Your dad: “Why do you hate remarriage?”

You: “Because you speedran grief like it was a video game and skipped the ‘check on your kids’ side quest.” 😂

[YTA] (⬆️ 2.2k)

I get why you’re hurt, but telling someone their marriage makes you view remarriage as inherently evil is harsh. You could’ve said you still struggle with how fast things happened instead of attacking the concept of remarriage itself.

[NTA and I’ve been there] (⬆️ 4.8k)

My mom remarried within a year of my dad’s death. It felt like erasure, just like you described. I also struggle with the idea of remarriage because of that experience. You’re not alone, and you’re not wrong for connecting the dots between his choices and your feelings.

[NAH] (⬆️ 3.0k)

I don’t think anyone’s the asshole here. You were honest about your feelings; he was hurt because it’s personal. This is a grief and communication issue, not an asshole issue. Therapy might help both of you process.

[NTA — Sarcastic Take] (⬆️ 7.3k)

So your dad thinks remarriage is fine… as long as the kids suck it up and never complain? 🙄 You didn’t “disrespect” him. You just told him the truth he didn’t want to hear.