Background: My Marriage and His Past

I (29F) am currently 7 months pregnant with my first child with my husband, “Ethan” (32M). We’ve been married for three years and together for almost five. Our relationship has been strong, and Ethan has always been loving and supportive.

However, one thing that has been a sensitive topic is his past relationship. Before me, Ethan dated a woman named “Claire.” They were together for about four years. Tragically, she passed away in an accident when she was only 25.

When we first started dating, Ethan was very open about Claire. He told me he loved her deeply, and her death left a massive mark on him. I respected that, and I never tried to compete with her memory. I understood grief is complicated, and I thought he had found a healthy way to move forward.

But now that we’re expecting a baby, Claire’s name has come up in a way I never anticipated.

The Baby Name Debate

When we started brainstorming names, I suggested a few I loved. Ethan listened, then said, “What about using part of Claire’s name? Either her first or middle name, or some variation of it?”

I froze.

He said it would be a “beautiful tribute” to someone important in his life. He suggested middle name options like “Clara,” “Elaine” (her middle name), or even “Claire” itself.

I was caught off guard and didn’t answer right away.

Why I’m Uncomfortable

After thinking it over, I told him I’m uncomfortable naming our child after his late girlfriend.

Here’s why:

1. It feels like starting our child’s life in someone else’s shadow. I don’t want my baby’s identity tied to a woman my husband once loved.
2. This is our child, not a memorial. Names should be about us, our family, and the future — not about keeping the past alive.
3. It would make me feel like second place. Whenever I said my child’s name, I’d be reminded I lived in someone else’s love story.
4. Our child deserves their own identity. They shouldn’t carry emotional baggage that has nothing to do with them.

I explained all of this calmly, but Ethan looked hurt.

His Reaction

Ethan said I was being “cold” and that Claire was a huge part of his life. He said honoring her doesn’t take away from me or our child. He believes using her name would show maturity and compassion.

I told him compassion is one thing, but I refuse to give my child a name tied to his ex. He said she wasn’t just an ex — she was “the love of his life before me.” That stung.

I told him, “Well, I’m your wife now. I’m the one having your child. This baby is about us, not your past.”

We argued, and he accused me of being jealous of a dead woman.

The Fallout

Since that argument, things have been tense. Ethan is still pushing for a Claire-inspired name. He says he’s compromising by suggesting variations instead of the exact name. I told him the answer is no.

Now he barely talks about names with me. He told his mother about it, and she called me to say I should “be more understanding” because Claire was “like family.”

That made me furious — because I’m family now, and so is the child I’m carrying.

Why I Don’t Think I’m Wrong

Here’s why I feel strongly:

• Boundaries matter. It’s not my job to honor his past relationships in my present marriage.
• Names are forever. This isn’t like keeping a photo in a box. This is a permanent choice that shapes our child’s identity.
• Respect goes both ways. I’ve always respected Ethan’s grief. But asking me to name my child after Claire crosses a line.

Why I Still Feel Guilty

But part of me feels guilty. Claire did die young. Ethan’s grief is real. Maybe refusing to compromise makes me selfish. Perhaps I should allow her middle name as a gesture.

But then I picture introducing my baby and having people ask, “Oh, is she named after Claire?” And my stomach twists.

I don’t want that.

What Friends Have Said

I asked a couple of close friends. One said, “Absolutely not. That’s your baby. You’re right.” Another said, “Maybe a middle name wouldn’t be so bad if it helps Ethan heal.”

So even among people I trust, there’s no consensus.

The Bigger Picture

I love Ethan. I know grief doesn’t have an expiration date. However, marriage means prioritizing the living relationship, not the past one.

I don’t want Claire to be in my child’s name. That doesn’t mean I disrespect her memory. It means I want a clean slate for my family.

AITA?

So Reddit — AITA for refusing to use any part of my husband’s late girlfriend’s name for our child? Am I being selfish, or am I right to draw this boundary?

Mock Reddit Comment Section

[NTA] (⬆️ 24.6k)

You’re not jealous. You’re setting a boundary. Your child isn’t a memorial. Full stop.

[NTA] (⬆️ 18.3k)

He can keep photos or light candles on her birthday if he wants to honor Claire. But your child’s name should not be tied to his ex. Period.

[ESH] (⬆️ 5.7k)

He sucks for pushing this so hard. You suck a little for dismissing his grief outright. But overall, the baby shouldn’t carry this baggage.

[YTA] (⬆️ 3.2k)

I’ll get downvoted, but… Claire was important. If you love your husband, you should honor that. A middle name isn’t the end of the world.

[NAH] (⬆️ 4.1k)

This is grief vs. boundaries. Neither of you is a monster. But you need counseling before the baby comes, because this tension will only grow.

[NTA — Funny Take] (⬆️ 7.5k)

Your kid deserves a baby book, not a memorial plaque.