Our Marriage

I (35M) was married to “Lena” (33F) for eight years. We met in our mid-20s, clicked instantly, and married after two years. We were solid for most of our marriage — shared interests, good communication, and intense intimacy.

Or so I thought.

About three years ago, something I had kept private about myself finally came out: I have a kink. I won’t go into graphic detail (because it’s not necessary here), but it’s not something dangerous or illegal. It’s just… unusual, and not what you’d consider “mainstream.”

For years, I kept it quiet, ashamed of it. But as our marriage progressed, I started feeling guilty about hiding it. I thought honesty would make us closer.

The Confession

One night, I sat Lena down and told her about my kink. I framed it carefully: I didn’t demand she participate, I didn’t say our sex life wasn’t enough, I just explained that this was something I had always carried.

Her reaction was… not great.

At first, she laughed, thinking I was joking. Then, when she realized I was serious, she looked shocked and said, “I don’t know what to do with this information.”

She didn’t yell but made it clear she wasn’t interested. She said it “made her uncomfortable” and didn’t want to hear about it again.

I said that was fine. I reassured her I loved her and wasn’t going to pressure her. But from that day forward, something shifted.

The Distance

After my confession, Lena grew colder. At first, I thought it was just an adjustment period. But over time, I noticed she became more distant emotionally and physically.

She started turning me down more often for intimacy. When we did connect, she seemed distracted or detached. She also started making little digs — “I hope this is enough for you” or “you probably wish I was into your weird thing.”

I never brought it up again because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. But the silence between us grew heavier.

My Attempts to Reassure Her

I tried to show her that my kink wasn’t the center of my world. I planned date nights, gave her thoughtful gifts, and often told her I was attracted to her.

But it seemed like nothing worked. To her, I think my admission was proof that she wasn’t “enough” for me. No matter how often I said otherwise, she didn’t believe it.

We even tried therapy. The counselor suggested that Lena try to understand where I was coming from — not to participate but at least to see that it wasn’t a threat. Lena refused. She said she “didn’t marry a kink,” she married a man.

The Breaking Point

Six months ago, after another argument where she accused me of “ruining our marriage with my weird fantasies,” Lena told me she wanted a separation.

She said she couldn’t live with the constant feeling that she wasn’t enough and couldn’t “un-hear” what I told her.

We separated, and last month we officially divorced.

Why I Don’t Think I’m Wrong

Here’s why I feel like I’m not the asshole:

1. I was honest. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t lie. I shared a vulnerable part of myself.
2. I never pressured her. I never pushed her to engage in anything she didn’t want.
3. I reassured her. Constantly. I told her she was enough. I showed her through actions.
4. Everyone has preferences. Some people like certain things more than others. Does that mean we’re doomed if they don’t match?

Why I Still Feel Guilty

But I can’t shake the guilt.

Maybe I should’ve kept it to myself. Perhaps the marriage would’ve survived if I’d never confessed.

I thought honesty was the right path. But in this case, honesty may have destroyed us.

What Friends Have Said

I confided in two close friends. One said Lena overreacted — that plenty of couples have mismatched desires and find a way to compromise. Another said Lena had a right to her boundaries, and maybe I should’ve known she wouldn’t take it well.

So even my friends are split.

The Bigger Picture

This whole experience has made me question relationships in general. How much honesty is too much? Should some secrets stay secrets if revealing them risks everything?

I’ll always wonder if I did the right thing by confessing — or if I let my kink ruin the best thing I ever had.

AITA?

So Reddit — AITA for letting my kink ruin my marriage? Was I selfish to share something she didn’t want to hear, or was I right to be honest even if it ended our relationship?