Our Relationship

I (30M) have married my wife, Sarah (29F), for almost five years. We dated for three years before tying the knot, so we’ve been together for about eight years.

From the beginning, one of the big things she told me was that she was saving herself for marriage. I wasn’t a virgin when we met, and I was honest about that. She said she didn’t mind and that her choice wasn’t about judging others — it was about her personal values.

When we got engaged and married, she proudly said I was her first and only. I thought it was sweet at the time, and I tried to appreciate how much it meant to her. But as the years have gone on, my perspective has shifted.

Why It Started Bothering Me

The reason I don’t feel “special” about it is that her virginity wasn’t about me. It was about her religious background, upbringing, and beliefs. She would’ve saved herself no matter who she married.

In other words, I don’t feel I was chosen to be her one and only. I feel like I just happened to be the person she married first. Anyone else who fit the criteria could’ve had the same “gift.”

It’s like inheriting a family heirloom not because of who you are, but because you’re the next person in line. Sure, it’s valuable, but it doesn’t feel personal.

The Conversation

The topic arose recently because Sarah and I were reminiscing about our wedding night. She said, “I still feel so happy that I gave myself to you and only you.”

I hesitated but finally said, “I need to be honest… I don’t feel special because of that.”

Her smile dropped immediately. She asked what I meant, and I explained my reasoning: that her virginity was never really about me, but about her beliefs, so it doesn’t feel like a unique or personal gift.

I told her I value her commitment and our marriage, but the idea that her virginity was “for me” feels misleading.

Her Reaction

Sarah burst into tears. She said I had “ruined” something she cherished. She accused me of minimizing something significant to her.

She told me she had always thought of saving herself as the ultimate expression of love — that I was the only man she ever wanted to be with, and that made me special in her eyes.

I tried to explain that it’s not about love or loyalty — it’s about how the gesture feels impersonal. She could’ve given it to anyone she ended up marrying.

She said, “But I didn’t marry anyone else. I married you. Doesn’t that make it special?”

I didn’t know how to answer without lying, so I said, “Not really.”

The Fallout

Since that conversation, things have been tense. Sarah has been distant. She told me she feels like I don’t appreciate her values, like I spit on something she held sacred.

She’s also been less affectionate. She doesn’t want to initiate intimacy, and when I try, she seems hesitant. It feels like I’ve broken something in her.

Even my mother-in-law called me after Sarah confided in her, saying I should’ve kept my mouth shut and accepted the gift. She said I was cruel for telling her the truth.

Why I Said It

Here’s why I felt the need to be honest:

1. I don’t like being put on a pedestal for something that wasn’t about me.
2. I want our relationship to be based on truth, not illusions. Pretending I feel “special” would feel dishonest.
3. I’ve struggled with intimacy. Sometimes, I feel like Sarah’s lack of experience makes her feel insecure, and I think being transparent might help.

Why I Feel Conflicted

But now I wonder if my honesty did more harm than good. Was it necessary to tell her I don’t feel special? Or should I have let her hold on to that belief, since it was meaningful to her?

I didn’t mean to hurt her — I just wanted to be honest about how I feel. But now I see that “being real” might’ve destroyed something important to her self-image and our marriage.

What Friends Have Said

I confided in two friends. One said, “You were right to be honest. Marriage without honesty isn’t real.”

The other said, “You’re an idiot. Some things you keep to yourself. You don’t have to share every single thought if it’s going to crush your partner.”

Both perspectives made me think.

Why I Don’t Think I’m Wrong

At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting authenticity in my marriage. Sarah’s virginity was her choice, not a personal love letter to me.

I accepted her values. I just explained that it doesn’t make me feel uniquely chosen. I want to be loved for who I am, not because I happened to be the first.

Why I Still Feel Guilty

But seeing her cry and knowing I made her feel worthless kills me. I hate that she now doubts my appreciation for her. I worry I’ve permanently damaged her trust.

Maybe I should’ve protected her feelings instead of blurting out my truth.

The Bigger Picture

This situation made me realize how differently people assign meaning to the same event. To Sarah, saving herself was the ultimate expression of love. It feels like a general choice she made long before I came along.

Neither of us is “wrong,” but our perspectives clash. And now I’m scared that the clash will cause cracks in our marriage.

Am I the Asshole?

So, Reddit, am I the asshole for telling my wife I don’t feel special that she saved her virginity for me? Should I have lied to protect her feelings, or was honesty the right choice?

Mock Reddit Comment Sectio

[YTA] (⬆️ 21.4k)

Dude. Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy. She gave you something meaningful to her, and instead of appreciating it from her perspective, you dismissed it. Of course, she’s devastated.

[ESH] (⬆️ 8.9k)

She put way too much weight on virginity as a “gift,” which is problematic. But you didn’t have to tell her she’s not special. Both of you handled this poorly.

[NTA] (⬆️ 6.2k)

Unpopular opinion, but I get you. Virginity is a social construct. It wasn’t about you, and pretending otherwise feels fake. You were honest. That doesn’t make you an asshole.

[YTA — Funny Take] (⬆️ 12.7k)

Bro, she handed you a wrapped present with sparkly paper and said, “It’s the most special gift ever!” You replied, “Eh, feels like you would’ve given this to anyone.” 💀

[NTA but stupid] (⬆️ 5.1k)

You’re not wrong logically. But you are dumb strategically. Some thoughts belong in the “never say out loud” folder.

[YTA and I feel bad for her] (⬆️ 9.8k)

This wasn’t about logic; it was about emotion. You crushed her. Instead of building intimacy, you tore it down.

[NAH] (⬆️ 3.3k)

This is tough. You were honest about your feelings; she was honest about hers. You both mean well, but your worldviews don’t match. It’s sad, but not ass holish.

Reflection: What I’ve Learned